Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

How would you describe modern day Russian society, beyond just politics?

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

Why is pure dopamine not a recreational drug? And if it was wouldn’t it be the most addictive and fairly side effect free?

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

You are like me, then.

The sadness was still there.

What was your first gay male experience?

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

And the sadness?

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

There's no way Republican Trump won all seven swing states. How was he able to cheat and steal the election?

Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

What happened to everybody's thick skin? It used to be that people really didn't get offended, now however, everybody gets offended by the least little thing.

I had run out of hope.

I was tired of trying and failing.

It’s still here.

Why do diabetic people sweat so much?

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

My waist finally looks like how it did before I had kids but I didn’t lose weight. Why am I still 15 lbs from my starting weight?

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

I was tired of fighting.

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

Why am I dreaming of people I've never seen before?

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

Be who you already are.

Have you ever accidentally seen your mother-in-law doing something that was private to her?

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

It’s here now, writing to you.